There's no doubt in my mind that I'm unable to love; the simple and most important commandment is given to those who can't carry it out. At least not the way we are on our own.
Lately it's been hard to love anyone, my students, my boys, my wife; there was a haze settled all around me that I couldn't see through. The worst of it was that I couldn't even diagnose the problem. Usually you can at least attribute your lacking to something. This time it took me awhile.
Over the weekend my older son woke up from his nap and wanted to sit with me. "Will you rock me while I watch the letter movie?" He's all about learning his letters. So we rocked and watched a whole movie. What surprised me was that he sat through the entire show; he was still, and didn't ask questions. Only when the T.V. was off did he slide down and play.
It took awhile - again - to make any sort of connection, but it came.
You see, I could tell things weren't quite right with him when he woke up. And often he wakes up from his naps in a funk. The look in his eyes said to me that he needed closeness, even to take refuge in what is his most secure place. After that, game on: he became a fire chief, ready to save the world.
At this point I remembered a couple things. First, during my time under the influence of the haze mentioned above, I was wrapped up in myself. Everything that happened, a disorderly student, a comment from my wife, a disobedient boy, all of it made me sorry for me. I couldn't shake it. No matter how much I knew no one was out to get me, that's exactly the way it felt.
Second, when I finally collapsed under the weight of I, it pushed me to my knees where I hid for awhile. My most secure place is in worship. I was able to push myself back and express my love of the Father.
It is only when we worship that we can then appropriately express love to those around us. Worship places us at the feet of Him who will restore our ability to love.
After that, game on.